Today I sent some "advice" to someone I care about who is dealing with the loss of their second baby. Miscarriage stinks! After sending off the email, I thought I need to again put into practice the words I shared with her. Here they are:
This is the verse I focused on right after our loss. It is one I pull up often in tough times. It is not a feel good verse, more of a take action verse but it has always helped me.
Phil 4:8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say I WILL do best by filling MY mind and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. ..(I WILL DO MY BEST TO )Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work ME into his most excellent harmonies.
Miscarriage is the "worst", "ugly" and something to "curse". It is easy to see that. It was extremely difficult to see or find any positive in the situation of loss but I purposed to find other positive things to focus on and to be involved in. It seems our mind naturally goes to the negative so working to focus on true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling and gracious things was crucial to keeping me sane. I posted positive verses, sayings, pictures up. I created projects that would be fun for me and move my focus on to the project rather than the pain...
Yesterday was the day Ella was to be born. All day long my heart was so heavy and anxiety filled me. The pain is still to real but I am afraid to let go of it because as I have said before, the pain is all I have of her.
Yet, I need to continue on in joy for there is so much in life to be grateful for. I need to find a new focus. A positive focus. Something beautiful to set my mind on.
The most beautiful thing I can think of is sharing God's love with other people. It is my goal to find ways to do this each day. "He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed." (I cannot remember the scripture reference right now but it is in the Bible)
In honor of Ella, I recommit my life to serving others and serving my Jesus who gives me strength!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Today is the day Ella was to be born.
John wrote me a letter from Ella. I thought I would post it because it is so sweet.
Mommy,
I know today did not turn out like you and Dad planned it. December 16, 2009 was supposed to be a day of celebration, a day of showing off your beautiful duaghter that looks just like her mommy.
I know Daddy was looking forward to having a little girl. I can already tell that I would have him wrapped around my finger. I know he wanted to raise a little princess that he would only give away to the finest of princes. Although, the agonizing process that the young man would have had to go through is scary! Jesus told me how Daddy would pray that he would have a daughter one day so he could have the privilege and the joy of seeing his wife grow up again.
Please don't look at this day as a sad day. I am in heaven with Jesus. He is a good daddy to me. Jesus tells me that I am just as pretty as you are. As awesome as it is in Heaven, I know playing with Lofton and Keller would have been a blast. Landry (March 2007) and I are growing up in the best possible environment. Heaven is so nice. I will never know sickness, disease, or even have a bad hair day. I look forward to my family joining me in Heaven, but not too soon. You have many good years ahead of you. In fact, your best years are still to come.
Just think that the life you are living right now is temporary. It is a blink of the eye compared to eternity. Do not spend it grieving, but serving. Continue helping other kids that don't have a Mommy as great as you.
Before you know it, we will all be reunited in Heaven. I am planning the party right now. Landry and I cannot wait to meet you, Daddy, Lofton and Keller! Until then, I will keep watch from above and continue to cheer you on keeping the faith and fighting the good fight.
I love you Mommy!
Your little girl,
Ella Jade Roach
12-16-09
Mommy,
I know today did not turn out like you and Dad planned it. December 16, 2009 was supposed to be a day of celebration, a day of showing off your beautiful duaghter that looks just like her mommy.
I know Daddy was looking forward to having a little girl. I can already tell that I would have him wrapped around my finger. I know he wanted to raise a little princess that he would only give away to the finest of princes. Although, the agonizing process that the young man would have had to go through is scary! Jesus told me how Daddy would pray that he would have a daughter one day so he could have the privilege and the joy of seeing his wife grow up again.
Please don't look at this day as a sad day. I am in heaven with Jesus. He is a good daddy to me. Jesus tells me that I am just as pretty as you are. As awesome as it is in Heaven, I know playing with Lofton and Keller would have been a blast. Landry (March 2007) and I are growing up in the best possible environment. Heaven is so nice. I will never know sickness, disease, or even have a bad hair day. I look forward to my family joining me in Heaven, but not too soon. You have many good years ahead of you. In fact, your best years are still to come.
Just think that the life you are living right now is temporary. It is a blink of the eye compared to eternity. Do not spend it grieving, but serving. Continue helping other kids that don't have a Mommy as great as you.
Before you know it, we will all be reunited in Heaven. I am planning the party right now. Landry and I cannot wait to meet you, Daddy, Lofton and Keller! Until then, I will keep watch from above and continue to cheer you on keeping the faith and fighting the good fight.
I love you Mommy!
Your little girl,
Ella Jade Roach
12-16-09
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
A "HOW TO" FOR FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY
AN IMPORTANT NOTE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY:
1. TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHERE THEY ARE COMING FROM.
· READ "Raw Feelings" and as many other posts as you can so you understand what may be going on in the hearts, mind and bodies.
· Whatever you do, PLEASE do not ignore the situation or pretend nothing happened!
· Whether you have been through this or not, whether you live close or far away, you can help! Be some one who listens and some one who acts! I think the acts of service were most beneficial to me, more than any words anyone said.
2. TO DO AND NOT TO DO
Think what to do for funerals or births. A miscarriage somehow fits in both categories yet is silenced and nothing is done to offer much needed support. This time that was supposed to be a celebration accompanied by support, gifts and joy turns into a time of loss accompanied by an awkward silence. It does not receive the same understood assistance such as meals, house cleaning, gift cards and gestures of love and support. All of these things are appropriate ways to help.
Especially if the mom was further along and there are more physical things to deal with, I strongly suggest spa and/or clothing certificates. Nothing fits and it is literally heart breaking to have to wear maternity clothes. If you read my journal entries, you might see that spa gift certificates would even be helpful.
Simply put, if something is on your heart to do or give that will serve them or lift the burden, JUST DO IT! Consider saying something like, “I am arranging to have your house cleaned this week. Is there a good time I can direct them to come by?”
2. TO SAY AND NOT TO SAY:
· “Let me know if you need anything”.
That sounds nice but the reality is we either cannot think of what we need or feel bad telling you what we need. A better idea is to let them know what you are planning to do and potential times that you would like to do it.
· If you have been there, DO NOT do all the talking. Let them talk; this is their time of grief. You can share bits of your story but mostly as conversation starters to open the door for THEM to talk or to BRIEFLY share what helped you.
· Do not say, “Better off because…”
“…there might have been a handicap”
“…she could have been a band geek” (joking is not appropriate at this time)
“… Imagine how tough it would be caring for a third child right now”
Whatever the ending may be to that statement, the indication is that somehow you would not be able to love or care for the baby.
· “I have had three miscarriages…” It is okay to state your loss at some point but at first, just listen. Somehow hearing about yours makes us feel like ours is insignificant or that because it is common it is no big deal. Stating the number of miscarriages can also play into the fear of more miscarriages for us. I am not saying that there is never a time to share your loss but use it as a way of helping the person presently dealing with the loss. Keep it brief and to the point, as a catalyst for conversation and to get them to talk and open up, not as an opportunity for your own catharsis. Right now anyway, it is not all about you, it is about them.
· “Oh, you’re young, you’ll have more kids”.
Somehow this statement makes it feel like this life did not matter. Or that because it is possible to have more kids that you should not be upset or sad about losing this one.
· These are just some of the things that were spoken to me that did not have a helpful or healthy outcome. There are many more. Just be sensitive as you speak. Think first and remember the things I have shared with you.
The right things to say:
I’m so sorry for your loss
I’m praying for you and your family
Is there anything I can do for you right now?
If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.
If the grieving mom does open up to you, then be sure to say the following:
You know this is not your fault, right? There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Be honest. If you don’t know what to say, just simply say, “I wish I knew what to say but I just don’t know what I could possibly say to make you feel better. I am here for you though.”
It’s okay to grieve. That baby was real and a part of you. This is a real loss and you can take the time to grieve over your loss. Say this, but don’t push her. She may need to grieve in her own way.
4. DON’T FORGET THE DADS!
For some reason people tend to think this struggle is just a mom thing. Trust me; this was very difficult for my husband as well. Men may deal with things differently, but they are still facing the same pain. My husband may not have had the physical bond yet, or had to deal with the physical reminder I dealt with daily because of the appearance and hormonal things going on in my body but he still had to face the reality that our baby girl was not coming home. He had to be strong for all of us, take care of us, and somehow grieve at the same time. He did not like talking about it as much but still wanted friends and family to be around to fill our time, our thoughts and our house, a break from the reality of the loss. The dad’s need the same support, sensitivity and understanding about all that I have written.
1. TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHERE THEY ARE COMING FROM.
· READ "Raw Feelings" and as many other posts as you can so you understand what may be going on in the hearts, mind and bodies.
· Whatever you do, PLEASE do not ignore the situation or pretend nothing happened!
· Whether you have been through this or not, whether you live close or far away, you can help! Be some one who listens and some one who acts! I think the acts of service were most beneficial to me, more than any words anyone said.
2. TO DO AND NOT TO DO
Think what to do for funerals or births. A miscarriage somehow fits in both categories yet is silenced and nothing is done to offer much needed support. This time that was supposed to be a celebration accompanied by support, gifts and joy turns into a time of loss accompanied by an awkward silence. It does not receive the same understood assistance such as meals, house cleaning, gift cards and gestures of love and support. All of these things are appropriate ways to help.
Especially if the mom was further along and there are more physical things to deal with, I strongly suggest spa and/or clothing certificates. Nothing fits and it is literally heart breaking to have to wear maternity clothes. If you read my journal entries, you might see that spa gift certificates would even be helpful.
Simply put, if something is on your heart to do or give that will serve them or lift the burden, JUST DO IT! Consider saying something like, “I am arranging to have your house cleaned this week. Is there a good time I can direct them to come by?”
2. TO SAY AND NOT TO SAY:
· “Let me know if you need anything”.
That sounds nice but the reality is we either cannot think of what we need or feel bad telling you what we need. A better idea is to let them know what you are planning to do and potential times that you would like to do it.
· If you have been there, DO NOT do all the talking. Let them talk; this is their time of grief. You can share bits of your story but mostly as conversation starters to open the door for THEM to talk or to BRIEFLY share what helped you.
· Do not say, “Better off because…”
“…there might have been a handicap”
“…she could have been a band geek” (joking is not appropriate at this time)
“… Imagine how tough it would be caring for a third child right now”
Whatever the ending may be to that statement, the indication is that somehow you would not be able to love or care for the baby.
· “I have had three miscarriages…” It is okay to state your loss at some point but at first, just listen. Somehow hearing about yours makes us feel like ours is insignificant or that because it is common it is no big deal. Stating the number of miscarriages can also play into the fear of more miscarriages for us. I am not saying that there is never a time to share your loss but use it as a way of helping the person presently dealing with the loss. Keep it brief and to the point, as a catalyst for conversation and to get them to talk and open up, not as an opportunity for your own catharsis. Right now anyway, it is not all about you, it is about them.
· “Oh, you’re young, you’ll have more kids”.
Somehow this statement makes it feel like this life did not matter. Or that because it is possible to have more kids that you should not be upset or sad about losing this one.
· These are just some of the things that were spoken to me that did not have a helpful or healthy outcome. There are many more. Just be sensitive as you speak. Think first and remember the things I have shared with you.
The right things to say:
I’m so sorry for your loss
I’m praying for you and your family
Is there anything I can do for you right now?
If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.
If the grieving mom does open up to you, then be sure to say the following:
You know this is not your fault, right? There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Be honest. If you don’t know what to say, just simply say, “I wish I knew what to say but I just don’t know what I could possibly say to make you feel better. I am here for you though.”
It’s okay to grieve. That baby was real and a part of you. This is a real loss and you can take the time to grieve over your loss. Say this, but don’t push her. She may need to grieve in her own way.
4. DON’T FORGET THE DADS!
For some reason people tend to think this struggle is just a mom thing. Trust me; this was very difficult for my husband as well. Men may deal with things differently, but they are still facing the same pain. My husband may not have had the physical bond yet, or had to deal with the physical reminder I dealt with daily because of the appearance and hormonal things going on in my body but he still had to face the reality that our baby girl was not coming home. He had to be strong for all of us, take care of us, and somehow grieve at the same time. He did not like talking about it as much but still wanted friends and family to be around to fill our time, our thoughts and our house, a break from the reality of the loss. The dad’s need the same support, sensitivity and understanding about all that I have written.
WEIGHING THE OPTIONS: FUNERAL, NAME, DNC, PICTURES?
OPTIONS
During the first realization of the loss, so much is going on that it is hard to think straight, to know what questions to ask or even what options are available. Looking back, there are things I wish I would have known, been made aware of or checked into. There are even things I was made aware of but was so overwhelmed that I did not make the decisions I now wish I would have. I don’t think anyone can be judged for the decisions made in such times. I think we all just have to make the best decision we know how to make for ourselves and our family. That may be different for each of us. I am writing about some of the options and thoughts about them to hopefully aid in your decision making.
Pictures and funeral:
Something I did not know about was that there are organizations that will come and take a picture of your baby as early as 14 weeks. As for the pictures, if all they can get is a foot, they will photograph that. They go as far as dressing the baby in doll clothes and taking a picture for your keepsake. I wish I would have known about this option so I would always have a picture of her, a tangible reminder of her existence. This option is only possible if you actually give birth to the baby rather than a dnc or …
They also assist with funerals. I still don’t know how I feel about the funerals but I think it would have put my mind at ease to have had one rather than the mind games and gruesome thoughts about what happened to the remains of my baby.
www.nilmdts.com
www.haven
DNC or induced labor: For me, walking around knowing my baby was still inside of me but was not alive was very difficult so I opted for the DNC for my first miscarriage. For my second miscarriage I was further along and the procedure would have been called a DNR. Again, for the same reasons, I opted for the procedure rather than inducing labor but ended up delivering the baby at home. Now that I know about the possibility of having pictures done as a keepsake, I think I would have gone ahead and induced labor so that I could have arranged for the pictures to be taken and have a keepsake.
Naming your baby: Naming our babies brought us some healing. It somehow solidified the fact that these babies are real and we will meet them someday in heaven. It made it easier to talk about them rather than just saying “the baby” or “the first miscarriage”.
During the first realization of the loss, so much is going on that it is hard to think straight, to know what questions to ask or even what options are available. Looking back, there are things I wish I would have known, been made aware of or checked into. There are even things I was made aware of but was so overwhelmed that I did not make the decisions I now wish I would have. I don’t think anyone can be judged for the decisions made in such times. I think we all just have to make the best decision we know how to make for ourselves and our family. That may be different for each of us. I am writing about some of the options and thoughts about them to hopefully aid in your decision making.
Pictures and funeral:
Something I did not know about was that there are organizations that will come and take a picture of your baby as early as 14 weeks. As for the pictures, if all they can get is a foot, they will photograph that. They go as far as dressing the baby in doll clothes and taking a picture for your keepsake. I wish I would have known about this option so I would always have a picture of her, a tangible reminder of her existence. This option is only possible if you actually give birth to the baby rather than a dnc or …
They also assist with funerals. I still don’t know how I feel about the funerals but I think it would have put my mind at ease to have had one rather than the mind games and gruesome thoughts about what happened to the remains of my baby.
www.nilmdts.com
www.haven
DNC or induced labor: For me, walking around knowing my baby was still inside of me but was not alive was very difficult so I opted for the DNC for my first miscarriage. For my second miscarriage I was further along and the procedure would have been called a DNR. Again, for the same reasons, I opted for the procedure rather than inducing labor but ended up delivering the baby at home. Now that I know about the possibility of having pictures done as a keepsake, I think I would have gone ahead and induced labor so that I could have arranged for the pictures to be taken and have a keepsake.
Naming your baby: Naming our babies brought us some healing. It somehow solidified the fact that these babies are real and we will meet them someday in heaven. It made it easier to talk about them rather than just saying “the baby” or “the first miscarriage”.
JUST TWELVE DAYS AWAY FROM ELLA'S DUE DATE
We are just twelve days away from Ella’s due date. My heart is so heavy right now and there is a constant aching. I miss her so much and am feeling a bit like I am walking through several feet of mud these days approaching what should be the day she comes home to live with us. Days that are supposed to be filled with anticipation and excitement are filled with disappointment and sadness. I am trying to just focus on the reason for the season and making this a special time for my boys. It’s hard to do though because I cannot stop thinking about Ella. It makes me sad to think that probably no one will even realize that the day she was supposed to born is approaching, or has passed. It makes me sad that she has already been forgotten. She has not been forgotten in our home.
IT STILL HURTS
It still hurts that she is not here with me. I never got to meet her or become acquainted with her personality. It hurts that I never got to see her face because I don’t have a picture, even if just in my mind, to look back at. I have no sweet memories to carry me through, to look back on or even to share with others. It feels weird to say but it is like those tangibles are proof of her existence and brings value to her life. Without those, it is as if she did not exist, so why do I miss her so much. “Every life has a purpose” are difficult words to swallow. What could possibly be the purpose of her short lived life that few even knew about and that no one met. I try to take comfort in the fact that our pain and our experience can be used to help comfort others but somehow that does not seem worth it. I know that someday I will see her, for the first time, and I look forward to that day. I look forward to the day my boys get to meet Ella Jade and our first miscarriage, Landry. I just wish we could create memories together now and share a life together.
LONGING FOR A LITTLE SISTER
My three year old son still talks about his sister and how much he wants a sister. He asked if we could pray that” God would give us another sister but this time that she could stay with us for a very long time.” It breaks my heart. I long for her to be here with us. I long to see him interact with her. I imagine what things would be like with all of us here together. The sting may not be as strong but the pain is still very present in our household.
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