A "HOW TO" FOR FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY

AN IMPORTANT NOTE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY:

1. TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHERE THEY ARE COMING FROM.
· READ "Raw Feelings" and as many other posts as you can so you understand what may be going on in the hearts, mind and bodies.
· Whatever you do, PLEASE do not ignore the situation or pretend nothing happened!
· Whether you have been through this or not, whether you live close or far away, you can help! Be some one who listens and some one who acts! I think the acts of service were most beneficial to me, more than any words anyone said.

2. TO DO AND NOT TO DO
Think what to do for funerals or births. A miscarriage somehow fits in both categories yet is silenced and nothing is done to offer much needed support. This time that was supposed to be a celebration accompanied by support, gifts and joy turns into a time of loss accompanied by an awkward silence. It does not receive the same understood assistance such as meals, house cleaning, gift cards and gestures of love and support. All of these things are appropriate ways to help.
Especially if the mom was further along and there are more physical things to deal with, I strongly suggest spa and/or clothing certificates. Nothing fits and it is literally heart breaking to have to wear maternity clothes. If you read my journal entries, you might see that spa gift certificates would even be helpful.

Simply put, if something is on your heart to do or give that will serve them or lift the burden, JUST DO IT! Consider saying something like, “I am arranging to have your house cleaned this week. Is there a good time I can direct them to come by?”

2. TO SAY AND NOT TO SAY:
· “Let me know if you need anything”.
That sounds nice but the reality is we either cannot think of what we need or feel bad telling you what we need. A better idea is to let them know what you are planning to do and potential times that you would like to do it.
· If you have been there, DO NOT do all the talking. Let them talk; this is their time of grief. You can share bits of your story but mostly as conversation starters to open the door for THEM to talk or to BRIEFLY share what helped you.
· Do not say, “Better off because…”
“…there might have been a handicap”
“…she could have been a band geek” (joking is not appropriate at this time)
“… Imagine how tough it would be caring for a third child right now”

Whatever the ending may be to that statement, the indication is that somehow you would not be able to love or care for the baby.

· “I have had three miscarriages…” It is okay to state your loss at some point but at first, just listen. Somehow hearing about yours makes us feel like ours is insignificant or that because it is common it is no big deal. Stating the number of miscarriages can also play into the fear of more miscarriages for us. I am not saying that there is never a time to share your loss but use it as a way of helping the person presently dealing with the loss. Keep it brief and to the point, as a catalyst for conversation and to get them to talk and open up, not as an opportunity for your own catharsis. Right now anyway, it is not all about you, it is about them.

· “Oh, you’re young, you’ll have more kids”.
Somehow this statement makes it feel like this life did not matter. Or that because it is possible to have more kids that you should not be upset or sad about losing this one.

· These are just some of the things that were spoken to me that did not have a helpful or healthy outcome. There are many more. Just be sensitive as you speak. Think first and remember the things I have shared with you.

The right things to say:
I’m so sorry for your loss
I’m praying for you and your family
Is there anything I can do for you right now?
If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.
If the grieving mom does open up to you, then be sure to say the following:
You know this is not your fault, right? There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Be honest. If you don’t know what to say, just simply say, “I wish I knew what to say but I just don’t know what I could possibly say to make you feel better. I am here for you though.”
It’s okay to grieve. That baby was real and a part of you. This is a real loss and you can take the time to grieve over your loss. Say this, but don’t push her. She may need to grieve in her own way.


4. DON’T FORGET THE DADS!
For some reason people tend to think this struggle is just a mom thing. Trust me; this was very difficult for my husband as well. Men may deal with things differently, but they are still facing the same pain. My husband may not have had the physical bond yet, or had to deal with the physical reminder I dealt with daily because of the appearance and hormonal things going on in my body but he still had to face the reality that our baby girl was not coming home. He had to be strong for all of us, take care of us, and somehow grieve at the same time. He did not like talking about it as much but still wanted friends and family to be around to fill our time, our thoughts and our house, a break from the reality of the loss. The dad’s need the same support, sensitivity and understanding about all that I have written.