More than a Miscarriage: Today is the day Ella was to be born.

MORE THAN A MISCARRIAGE

MORE THAN A MISCARRIAGE

A Real Life, A Real Loss

For the parents, friends and families who are suffering the loss of an unborn child.
In memory of Landry and Ella Jade

PREFACE
After experiencing my first miscarriage, I found the road to healing to be quite lonely, mostly due to my own choices. A perception that people would not understand my situation to be a real loss or that my feelings were over reacting, I kept it inside. After my second miscarriage I realized the lonely road was paved by two things: 1. again, choices of privacy because of my own fear of what others might think about my level of grief. 2. Mostly the misconceptions and lack of knowledge of those close to me in knowing how to navigate through this journey with me.

During my loss I battled that my own feelings of loss were wrong or that I was overreacting. I don’t want anyone else going through this to feel the same way. I want you to feel freedom to grieve and to realize that what you are feeling is okay and normal.

I also don’t want friends and family to feel powerless in this time of need, rather equipped to help their loved ones who are dealing with a very real and painful loss.

During the birth of a new baby people come along side the family not only to celebrate the new life but to assist with household needs. During a time of loss, again, friends and family come to assist with meals, house cleaning, and whatever else the family may need. Somehow, in a time of miscarriage, people find themselves avoiding the situation. This time of miscarriage fits into both categories, birth and death. Those going through this loss deserve and need the same support systems.

JOURNAL ENTRIES: A GLIMPSE OF MY JOURNEY
I originally wrote all this just for myself, as a way to vent, rather than trying to talk to others about it. When I did talk to people they often asked what I was thinking and feeling. I did not know how to answer. When I got alone, the things I wrote below are what filled my thoughts. I am now sharing it so you can see that I empathize with what might be going on in your heart and to confirm to you that your feelings are valid.

(I did share some of this with friends along the way. I encourage you to do the same. I just emailed my journals to a few people. Some are more comfortable face to face, some blogging… whatever your format of choice, I just think it is good to share with those you are close to. It helps you get some of your feelings out and helps them better understand how to support you.)

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Today is the day Ella was to be born.

John wrote me a letter from Ella. I thought I would post it because it is so sweet.

Mommy,

I know today did not turn out like you and Dad planned it. December 16, 2009 was supposed to be a day of celebration, a day of showing off your beautiful duaghter that looks just like her mommy.

I know Daddy was looking forward to having a little girl. I can already tell that I would have him wrapped around my finger. I know he wanted to raise a little princess that he would only give away to the finest of princes. Although, the agonizing process that the young man would have had to go through is scary! Jesus told me how Daddy would pray that he would have a daughter one day so he could have the privilege and the joy of seeing his wife grow up again.

Please don't look at this day as a sad day. I am in heaven with Jesus. He is a good daddy to me. Jesus tells me that I am just as pretty as you are. As awesome as it is in Heaven, I know playing with Lofton and Keller would have been a blast. Landry (March 2007) and I are growing up in the best possible environment. Heaven is so nice. I will never know sickness, disease, or even have a bad hair day. I look forward to my family joining me in Heaven, but not too soon. You have many good years ahead of you. In fact, your best years are still to come.

Just think that the life you are living right now is temporary. It is a blink of the eye compared to eternity. Do not spend it grieving, but serving. Continue helping other kids that don't have a Mommy as great as you.

Before you know it, we will all be reunited in Heaven. I am planning the party right now. Landry and I cannot wait to meet you, Daddy, Lofton and Keller! Until then, I will keep watch from above and continue to cheer you on keeping the faith and fighting the good fight.

I love you Mommy!

Your little girl,

Ella Jade Roach
12-16-09

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RAW FEELINGS

I keep hearing of all the stories of others and their miscarriages. I know people share them with me in an attempt to bring comfort but they actually make me hurt even more. It's almost makes me feel like people are saying that this is a common thing, it happens to lots of people therefore it is not a big deal and I should not be so upset. John reminds me that the Bible says that no man knows another mans suffering.

For some reason, this loss has been even more difficult than our first miscarriage. I remember having the same feelings and thoughts but the depth and gravity of them is much more significant this time. The reality is that both miscarriages have impacted us deeply.

From the moment we knew we were pregnant, which was about 15 weeks ago, just a few days after we actually conceived that life growing inside of me was loved. It was not just a fetus. The life was our child, our baby girl, the missing part of our family. The picture of our life and our family had already changed. The dreams of her future were already forming. This was not a miscarriage. This was the loss of our youngest child, our baby girl.

I don't even know how to take the next breath or the next step. I really don't even know how to say what I am feeling. I don't know what I want or what I need. I am not even sure what to think or how I feel. One moment I am num, the next I am overwhelmed with the idea of completing even the smallest task, the next I am in tears... then the cycle repeats. When I talk about it, sometimes I break down in tears and sometimes there are no tears, which almost feel worse.

Tears or no tears, I am beyond broken hearted. Broken seems too light of a term, like it could be easily pieced back together. Shattered isn't even strong enough a term. Yet, when I try to put the state of my heart into words, I feel like I am being melodramatic and that I need to pull it together, suck it up and be strong.

I don't want to make decisions. I don't want to think at all. I am afraid to think because all thoughts lead back to my baby.

I have no energy or desire to get dressed or shower yet I want to look beautiful because I think somehow that will make feel better.

I don't want to even glance down because I might catch a glimpse of the huge belly that once held my baby girl, the baby my arms never got to hold. I don't want to move because when I do, my hand accidentally brushes against my "baby bump" or stops and rests on that ledge caused by the bump. I forget for a moment that she is not there and I rub my hand across the bump with a fleeting moment of joy. I still look pregnant. I still feel pregnant. Then I have to remind myself that the nightmare is a reality. I am no longer pregnant. My baby girl is gone.

I don't want to stay home because every room reminds me of losing her. I don't want to go out because I see newborns and pregnant women and immediately I am filled with sadness and miss my baby girl.

I don't want to sleep because I awake from dreams about my baby girl. I don't want to be awake because I am haunted with images of her lifeless little body hanging from mine. I am reminded of the days I carried her inside of me knowing she was no longer alive. I am haunted by thoughts of what was done with the remains of her body.

I don't know how to take care of my kids right now. I just want to hold them and not let go but I have no energy, physically, mentally or emotionally to even fill their sippy cups, let alone to think about meals, or cleaning or even any of the minor daily tasks like showering, because all of it seems so overwhelming.

I am not sure I want to see friends or talk to people because I am afraid of what might be said or asked. It's not their fault; they mean well, I just have no filter right now. I am also afraid of what I will say or what they will think about decisions I have made and how I am handling this. I have enough questions and mind games about what has been done with her body, about her having a name and so much more so I don't want to be judged about those things. I am just dealing with them the best I know how right now.

Yet, I don't want to be alone. I am afraid to be alone. I guess I want them to be here, just not necessarily to talk about it. I want them here so I am not alone. I want them here to help take care of my kids so they are distracted from all this too. So I can take off and cry if I want to or just be alone for a minute or just be.

I want to feel joy and peace again. I want to have a mind filled with images of beauty and life again.

I want to see Lofton in a state of peace again. No matter how hard I try to be "normal" for him, he understands and senses so much. His little heart is full of sadness and he has shared some of that with us as he continues to talk about his little sister.

I want to sleep without dreams and nightmares.

I want to see my husband completely healed from this heartache as well. He has been the rock for all of us yet I know he is feeling all the same pain I am, and has yet even more images to deal with from the day of the delivery here at home. I want someone to finish the other rental house for John (free of charge!!!) and take care of his work responsibilities for him so that he can have a break and so that we can all be together. Then, I want to go away for a long weekend with him so we can have time together to talk and heal.

I want to redo my bathroom so that I have a new image when I walk in there and hopefully am not reminded of the delivery of the baby every time I walk in there. (For that matter, I want to start all of our "someday" remodel projects so I can have a new focus.)

I want my hair done, a manicure and pedicure, lashes tinted, one of those rejuvenating skin facials to brighten my face, and waxing so I don't have to worry about shaving or plucking for the next few weeks. I bet that sounds stupid, maybe even vain or shallow but I guess I want anything that would make me look half way put together without me doing the work of "getting ready" every day.!.. a "mend my heart makeover" ... not that it would mend my heart but maybe for a moment I could feel relaxed and pretty and maybe it would help relieve a little of the stress of all the tasks that still need to be completed daily and that I have no energy to tackle. Maybe if I could look a little better on the outside without having to work as much for it, I could somehow not feel as awful on the inside.

If only I could go to sleep for about a month then wake up and find out that this was all just a horrible dream.

But when it is all said and done,
I am grateful for my God, who gives me strength. I am grateful for His word that gives me hope. I am grateful for His people who give me support. I am grateful for His gifts to me- John, Lofton and Keller, who give me reason to live. So, I will do my best to think on these things!

Phil 4:8-9Summing it all up, friends, I'd say I WILL do best by filling MY mind and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. ..(I WILL DO MY BEST TO )Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work ME into his most excellent harmonies.

AN IMPORTANT NOTE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF THOSE DEALING WITH THE LOSS

AN IMPORTANT NOTE TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY:

1. TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHERE THEY ARE COMING FROM.
· READ everything here, including journals/blogs so you understand what may be going on in the hearts, mind and bodies.
· Whatever you do, PLEASE do not ignore the situation or pretend nothing happened!
· Whether you have been through this or not, whether you live close or far away, you can help! Be some one who listens and some one who acts! I think the acts of service were most beneficial to me, more than any words anyone said.

2. TO DO AND NOT TO DO
Think what to do for funerals or births. A miscarriage somehow fits in both categories yet is silenced and nothing is done to offer much needed support. This time that was supposed to be a celebration accompanied by support, gifts and joy turns into a time of loss accompanied by an awkward silence. It does not receive the same understood assistance such as meals, house cleaning, gift cards and gestures of love and support. All of these things are appropriate ways to help.
Especially if the mom was further along and there are more physical things to deal with, I strongly suggest spa and/or clothing certificates. Nothing fits and it is literally heart breaking to have to wear maternity clothes. If you read my journal entries, you might see that spa gift certificates would even be helpful.

Simply put, if something is on your heart to do or give that will serve them or lift the burden, JUST DO IT! Consider saying something like, “I am arranging to have your house cleaned this week. Is there a good time I can direct them to come by?”

3. TO SAY AND NOT TO SAY:
· “Let me know if you need anything”.
That sounds nice but the reality is we either cannot think of what we need or feel bad telling you what we need. A better idea is to let them know what you are planning to do and potential times that you would like to do it.
· If you have been there, DO NOT do all the talking. Let them talk; this is their time of grief. You can share bits of your story but mostly as conversation starters to open the door for THEM to talk or to BRIEFLY share what helped you.
· Do not say, “Better off because…”
“…there might have been a handicap”
“…she could have been a band geek” (joking is not appropriate at this time)
“… Imagine how tough it would be caring for a third child right now”

Whatever the ending may be to that statement, the indication is that somehow you would not be able to love or care for the baby.

· “I have had three miscarriages…” It is okay to state your loss at some point but at first, just listen. Somehow hearing about yours makes us feel like ours is insignificant or that because it is common it is no big deal. Stating the number of miscarriages can also play into the fear of more miscarriages for us. I am not saying that there is never a time to share your loss but use it as a way of helping the person presently dealing with the loss. Keep it brief and to the point, as a catalyst for conversation and to get them to talk and open up, not as an opportunity for your own catharsis. Right now anyway, it is not all about you, it is about them.

· “Oh, you’re young, you’ll have more kids”.
Somehow this statement makes it feel like this life did not matter. Or that because it is possible to have more kids that you should not be upset or sad about losing this one.

· These are just some of the things that were spoken to me that did not have a helpful or healthy outcome. There are many more. Just be sensitive as you speak. Think first and remember the things I have shared with you.

The right things to say:
I’m so sorry for your loss
I’m praying for you and your family
Is there anything I can do for you right now?
If you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.
If the grieving mom does open up to you, then be sure to say the following:
You know this is not your fault, right? There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Be honest. If you don’t know what to say, just simply say, “I wish I knew what to say but I just don’t know what I could possibly say to make you feel better. I am here for you though.”
It’s okay to grieve. That baby was real and a part of you. This is a real loss and you can take the time to grieve over your loss. Say this, but don’t push her. She may need to grieve in her own way.

4. DON’T FORGET THE DADS!
For some reason people tend to think this struggle is just a mom thing. Trust me; this was very difficult for my husband as well. Men may deal with things differently, but they are still facing the same pain. My husband may not have had the physical bond yet, or had to deal with the physical reminder I dealt with daily because of the appearance and hormonal things going on in my body but he still had to face the reality that our baby girl was not coming home. He had to be strong for all of us, take care of us, and somehow grieve at the same time. He did not like talking about it as much but still wanted friends and family to be around to fill our time, our thoughts and our house, a break from the reality of the loss. The dad’s need the same support, sensitivity and understanding about all that I have written.

OPTIONS

OPTIONS AFTER FIRST FINDING OUT ABOUT THE MISCARRIAGE

During the first realization of the loss, so much is going on that it is hard to think straight, to know what questions to ask or even what options are available. Looking back, there are things I wish I would have known, been made aware of or checked into. There are even things I was made aware of but was so overwhelmed that I did not make the decisions I now wish I would have. I don’t think anyone can be judged for the decisions made in such times. I think we all just have to make the best decision we know how to make for ourselves and our family. That may be different for each of us. I am writing about some of the options and thoughts about them to hopefully aid in your decision making.

Pictures and funeral:
Something I did not know about was that there are organizations that will come and take a picture of your baby as early as 14 weeks. As for the pictures, if all they can get is a foot, they will photograph that. They go as far as dressing the baby in doll clothes and taking a picture for your keepsake. I wish I would have known about this option so I would always have a picture of her, a tangible reminder of her existence. This option is only possible if you actually give birth to the baby rather than a dnc or …

They also assist with funerals. I still don’t know how I feel about the funerals but I think it would have put my mind at ease to have had one rather than the mind games and gruesome thoughts about what happened to the remains of my baby.
www.nilmdts.com
www.haven

DNC or induced labor: For me, walking around knowing my baby was still inside of me but was not alive was very difficult so I opted for the DNC for my first miscarriage. For my second miscarriage I was further along and the procedure would have been called a DNR. Again, for the same reasons, I opted for the procedure rather than inducing labor but ended up delivering the baby at home. Now that I know about the possibility of having pictures done as a keepsake, I think I would have gone ahead and induced labor so that I could have arranged for the pictures to be taken and have a keepsake.

Naming your baby: Naming our babies brought us some healing. It somehow solidified the fact that these babies are real and we will meet them someday in heaven. It made it easier to talk about them rather than just saying “the baby” or “the first miscarriage”.